We are all gamblers

 

 

I’m sensitive. I feel things. At first, I opened my heart wide and welcomed everything; then I realized I couldn’t do it in a big city like New York. Or maybe just not in New York. 

 

I came to New York for my childhood dream – to be an artist – in a snowy January, 2015. What New York offered me as a welcoming gift was a long cold winter. The first week, a serious cold nearly killed me right away physically and emotionally. I was dehydrated in my room by the overheated heater. I couldn’t breath. The first money I spent here was to buy a humidifier. I cried like I had made the worst decision ever. Why did I leave my comfort zone and start everything from zero? Why I did choose such a hard way? Maybe I was just homesick. The overwhelming loneliness we call it homesick.

 

I’m not a shy person. So I did my best to mingle, to make new friends. But soon I realized everyone here is so protective. There is distance between every single person. I guess it’s because they have been living here long enough to learn that’s the only way not to get hurt. Not to be used. Not to get taken advantage of. Most of the people in New York are not from New York. They started with nothing, and earned what they have today through a lot of effort.

 

Everything costs. Everything has a price. There’s no free lunches. No. Some people might have quit mid-way and are no longer drifting through the city. And the strong ones remain. You would start a conversation with a person you’ve just met like “how long have you been living here?” From a couple of months to a couple of years, they are from other states or other countries. Everyone is trying hard, or more precisely, trying his or her luck.

 

In New York, it takes time to know someone. What I hear the most is, “We’ve just met. I’m still getting to know you.” By then I realized how much Macau has spoiled me. You could simply get to know a person with a nice lunch along with a cheerful conversation. In a flash, you are friends. It won’t take long to meet a bunch of nice people, then a circle, then a community. Connections are so intense that you feel like you know everyone in Macau already.

 

But not in New York. Everyone is busy trying hard here, they don’t have time to listen to your problems. They won’t call you a friend just because you have the most lovely smile. June was a horrible month. With way too many great talents in this city, I felt like I was nothing. I was nothing special. I was just another artsy person drifting in the city. I was threatened, I didn’t know where I stood, where I belonged. I didn’t know where to get help. I finally looked for a therapist. I had too many negative thoughts inside my head that having friends was just not enough. I needed someone to talk to who wouldn’t be judgemental. I went for a few sessions and at the end, I walked out the door of that consultation room and haven’t gone back again. A swell summer back home in Macau healed me.

 

Then, returning back to New York didn’t seem that hard anymore. I realized it’s not that bad, actually New York is great. People with the same values, at some point, will finally meet.

 

After one year, I’ve started to know the city. I complain about the trains like a local. Delayed, crowded, stinky, filthy, rats, crazy creepy screaming. I am shocked by the news that somewhere around the corner just got shot and killed (again). I look at the cute guys on the L-train. I hang out in Bushwick. Funny scenes in the street or train that make me laugh but acting cool is the New Yorker way.

 

So what’s so charming about New York? I guess, just the fact that I can constantly meet amazing, creative and interesting people that poke my mind, wake me up; that’s the reason good enough for me to keep on trying. Maybe I will just see that person once and we won’t become friends. But what they have said is incredibly inspiring. No place like New York has taught me to be so open minded and hold no biases. Ideas are the things never lacking in this city. Keep the openness and let things come in. It just takes time. It just doesn’t come easy. Just like people say, if it’s easy, it isn’t worth it.

 

I once regretted coming here, because it was a big gamble and I cried for what I had lost. I wished things could go back to the way they were. But I was right in the first place, I dared to make a big bet and now I finally see what I’ve gained. I know myself better now. And being alone is not an issue anymore.

 

To achieve your dreams is not the ultimate goal, it’s just a hint to discover the world with more perspectives.