Macau CLOSER recently spoke to a number of accomplished women in the city as part of our March-April issue cover story "A Balancing Act". Excerpts from all those interviews are included in the cover story. Below is the full interview response from Helena Kok, a local lawyer and partner in MdME, a law firm based in Macau, with offices in Hong Kong and Lisbon.
Helena is a locally born and raised Chinese. She is 41 years old and fluent in English, Portuguese and Chinese, with Cantonese as her mother tongue. She is a qualified lawyer, both in Macau and Portugal. Currently, she is working as a partner in MdME law firm. She also sits on the Board of Directors of the Macau Lawyers Bar Association. Last but not the least, Helena is a mother of three beautiful girls, aged 5, 7 and 9.
Influenced by the soap operas broadcast on the then TVB Pearl channel, I grew up with a dream of studying abroad, namely, in the United States, from where the soap operas came. At the age of 15, I started to pave my way to fulfil this dream. My first move was transferring from a Chinese school to Santa Rosa English Secondary School where I could deepen my knowledge of English. I also enrolled myself in Portuguese night classes to learn some basic Portuguese.
My parents were keen to send my sister and myself abroad as it was something that they did not have the chance to benefit from when they were young. Nevertheless, my parents only had limited financial resources to provide for us to study abroad. With limited financial backup, I also saw limited choices as to where I could further my studies. It was a hard truth for me to learn that the United States was just too costly for my beloved parent's financial situation at that time. That was when I made the decision to study law in the prominent law school of Coimbra, Portugal, where living costs were very close to that of Macau.
Even to many Portuguese parents, having their children admitted to that law school was a high expectation. At that time, I only had basic Portuguese language skills, far from good enough to sit the admission exams competing with local Portuguese high school graduates. But I was thrilled to learn that, as the then “Territory under Portuguese Administration”, a protocol between the Universities of Macau and Coimbra was in place at that time, that would allow direct transfer of enrolment, of students from the former to the latter. However, it was the late 1990's, and that was when I got my second setback, when it came to the 1999 Macau Handover back to China. The University of Coimbra refused my enrolment, as Macau was no longer under Portuguese administration.
I spoke with many people to ask for advice. I knew that I had to turn the game around. I was 19 and too young to fully understand politics. But after speaking with several people, I got the feeling that my situation could be politically inconvenient to the two countries if this story was ever spoken about. Finally, I was told that I had been admitted. Just like a dream, I bought a one-way ticket, and squeezed myself into economy class, with one big suitcase, full of dictionaries, all the way to Portugal.
My determination to study in Portugal amazed many Portuguese, as they were puzzled as to why a young lady who could barely speak Portuguese would fight so hard to study in Portugal. To many Chinese, I was aiming too high. They thought that I could not make my way back with a diploma in hand. They were right to be pessimistic. It was a rocky road, but I managed to prove them wrong in the end.
After I graduated with a law degree from the University of Coimbra, I started to look for a place to do my internship, which I could not afford to do in Portugal where internships are usually unpaid jobs. I had to come back to Macau and start earning my living, so as to ease my parent's financial burden. The second day after I landed in Macau, I walked around town with my ruck sack filled with application letters and CVs, and started to distribute them at the reception counters of each law firm. This was when I met my mentor, Dr. Jorge Neto Valente, who accompanied the first five years of my legal career. At that time, a trilingual person was a rarity. I knew that it would not be difficult for me to find a job, but I never took anything for granted.
In the years that followed, I stayed in Macau and continued to develop my career as a lawyer.
In general, what has been your experience as a woman growing up and living in Macau?
Since my childhood, I had always heard of the Chinese preference for boys over girls. I guess this is due to the sustainability of family names. In Chinese protocol, new-born children only adopt the father´s family name. I was always amused by such a preference, as I think that a family name is not what makes a person interesting. Just because a woman cannot give her family name to her children does not mean that she cannot work her way through to create interesting stories. I do have many interesting stories to tell. And my parents only have two girls, who make them proud every single day.
When I was a child, my mother used to tell us that pretty women usually have an advantage over men. She did not mean that we should rely on our beauty instead of making a real effort, but it is just that generally speaking, human nature likes beautiful things or persons, thus people have more patience in dealing with them. Today, I could not agree more.
I find that men are more patient in dealing with women, as opposed with when they deal with other men. The story of how I managed to get myself enrolled in a prominent Portuguese university was partly due to my persistence, but also partly because I was a helpless young lady at that time. I might be wrong, and maybe it had nothing to do with me being a lady, but I think that those people from whom I sought advice would not have been so patient with me if I had been a man.
However, in terms of safety, women are more exposed than men. Today, as a mother of three girls, I sometimes have concerns for their safety. Macau is a generally safe place, but lately we have been hearing of increasing sexual abuse cases against children, which makes parents feel quite uneasy.
When I was studying and living in Portugal, I used to be harassed by the typical “Latin masculinism”. Comments about my body were a daily occurrence when I walked on the street. I was so disturbed that I started to react to them. Once, I was so daring that I replied with “how about your mom’s?” to comment “I like your mini dress” from a man in his 50s. The man got so angry that he followed me until I hid myself in a crowded outlet. Fortunately, from 2015, uttering sexually harassing comments to someone became a criminal act in Portugal.
While this was my experience in Europe, I never had to deal with the same in Macau. Having lived in both continents, I am very sensitive to the cultural differences. As a woman, I feel respect and disrespect in different ways. In Chinese culture, when we regard a woman as one who “can enter a kitchen, but also be out in a living room” (入得廚房,出得廳堂), it is a very respectful compliment for a woman. It means that the woman is competent in all senses – she cooks well and takes good care of the family, but is also a competent woman at work, and a graceful lady in public. I still laugh out loud whenever I remember my then Portuguese husband’s offended face when a Chinese person “praised” me with this. For Europeans, this “compliment” is very sexist and degrading, as it implies that a woman should be the one cooking in the kitchen and that she needs the man to bring her out to social events. But in Chinese thinking, this is something that the man should be very proud of, for having a woman who can cook and accompany him gracefully in public is something to be admired.
How do you feel about Macau as a city in terms of career opportunities for women? And in your field in particular?
Macau lacks specialized personnel and the government is still not doing enough to groom young people to fill senior positions, through a comprehensive long term plan. So, in terms of career opportunities in Macau, I do not see any major difference between men and women. Those who work hard and posses specialized skills shall have good career prospects, no matter whether they are women or men.
In the first few years of my career, as a young and hardworking intern, I really did not feel that being a woman deprived me of any opportunity to learn. I felt the contrary. I was given the opportunity to work closely with the most demanding person in the firm, to be involved in the most challenging cases and was allocated with the most sufficient time learning from my mentor. I just felt that, any hardworking person would see himself/herself rewarded, regardless man or woman. Separately, I do think that women are more patient and detail oriented, thus, more suitable to carry out some tasks.
Somehow, I think, as a woman, opportunities come directly to me. Last year, I returned to my private practice, from my in-house role that lasted almost a decade, to join a management team where I am the only woman. It is a very wise move by my peers to include a feminine figure in the team. It is my belief that the interaction and communication between the different sexes is much more friendly and smooth than that of the same sex. I work with seven male peers in the management team. I can say that we get along very well. We debate, we make decisions, we laugh, we admire each other for who we are. I never feel degraded or excluded for being a woman. While it is our firm’s commitment to promote diversity at all levels, nearly 90% of the total manpower is female.
What are some of the major challenges or pressures for women in Macau?
I don’t know if it is particularly only in Macau, but generally, women with a career, like myself, live through several life cycles. In our 20s we enjoy the beauty of youth, without major worries whatsoever; in our 30s, we hover between the path of housewife and successful career woman. The choice between these two paths will define how we live in our 40s. I obviously chose best of both worlds. My women nature enables me to multitask. Women and men are different, be that difference shaped by social patterns or prejudice. Women face bigger challenges than men. When I can perform well both at work and home front, I am praised for that, but we seldom hear good comments when a man is a dedicated father and a successful businessman at the same time. Why? Because multitasking is not expected from a man.
In my day to day routine, I work out in the gym to keep in shape; I work for the firm and the Bar; I take care of my girls´ schooling, I guide my helpers through the house chores; I cook dinner and bake cakes. I am regarded as the “Multiple Hands Kun Iam” in my family. My friends often ask me how I can handle three children and a demanding job, and I say I just do it, without thinking too much. When you are put in such a situation, you just have to embrace it with all your inner strength and courage. You also need to have good sense of organization, with a bird's eye view to look at the bigger picture. Only then can you foresee issues and tackle or avoid them.
In my profession, we work long hours to meet deadlines, many times several deadlines concurrently. So, not everyone in the office can always maintain a good mood. Working under pressure is not easy. As a woman, many times I have to work hard to hide my emotions, which, to many, is equivalent to weakness. I am not an apologist of sex equality, not in terms of rights, but physically, men and women are not the same, we have different hormones in our bodies. Women are more sensitive and emotional than men. Many people think that being sensitive and emotional is a weakness, and weakness is never good when it comes to work. I am a tough and assertive woman at work because I need my clients to listen to me and trust me, and most importantly, not lie to me. But I do have my emotional moments. I often shed tears if someone or something upsets me, but I do it covertly. The funny thing is that I actually consider having emotions makes me a good lawyer, because having emotions means having compassion for others. I think a lawyer must have compassion. When we have compassion, we give out all our heart to help people in their plights. With compassion, we can treat them as our family. With compassion, we are more willing to do pro bono to help those in need. With compassion, it is easier to put ourselves in others' shoes. All these are attributes of a good lawyer, in my view. However, I appreciate that not everyone agrees with me, so I just cannot show my emotions because it is cliché that emotions at work means weakness.
Another “challenge” is to “be myself” at home. The role as a career woman, and the role as a mother or wife, are both demanding. I often struggle as how to leave one role outside and come home with the other. This is not only a struggle for me, but also for my family, who needs to understand that, after a long day of work, I also like to be taken care of. The image of a superwoman often gives the wrong idea that I can take care of everything at home. The fact is that I also feel tired, I also feel vulnerable, I also like to say “I don’t have time, or I don’t know how to do it.” This transition is not always easy.
Do you feel that women are discriminated against in Macau in any ways?
Macau is a very capitalist city and the Legislative Assembly is dominated by businessmen. So the economic interests often prevail over women´s wellbeing. The public policies to address the special needs of women are still lagging behind. It is in this sense that I think there is discrimination against women. Although maternity leave under the labor law has been increased to 70 days, it still begs the question why it is less than the 90-day maternity leave provided to female civil servants. For example, I wish to see a special item in the labor law on justified absences, for discomfort caused by menstruation; I still wish to see the breastfeeding early leave policy, currently implemented in the public service sector, to be extended to private sector as mandatory; I still wish to see more encompassing wording in Article 164-A of the Macau Penal Code (sexual harassment). Currently, the crime of sexual harassment is only punishable if the criminal act is committed through physical contact. Women know that only a look, that kind of look, can make us ill at ease.
What areas would you like to see improvements in, in regards to women’s empowerment and opportunities?
I don't think about this too much frankly, because I do not think that power and opportunities are given extrinsically. I am a defender of proactive entitlement. Women should proactively fight for empowerment and opportunities. Our society is so deeply rooted in classic ideology that it is always daunting to look for change or improvements. If we cannot change the world, we change ourselves. This is my philosophy.
That being said, of course, no achievement is easy; we need to strive, fail, and strive again. I had my three pregnancies within quite short intervals one after another. Men do not get pregnant, women do, and they do under a timeline. In every interval of my pregnancies, I felt that I had been labelled as “the pregnant one”. And I did hear some comments as bad as “we need to hire older women next time.” During that period, I was not assigned important tasks, but only trivial and routine ones. I was not given exposure to learn and progress, while I saw my male colleagues progressing and shining everyday. I was down, but I did not go with the flow. I made the most out of the little I had at that time. I specialized in what I was doing. Even small tasks can be developed into specialized skills, depending on how you look at it. I took a post-graduate course in Management and I started my Master´s degree. I sat the last exam of the Management course 10 days after giving birth to my third child. And when I was writing my Master´s thesis, I was on maternity leave. I used a sling to breast feed my new-born, so that I could free my hands to type.
I don’t wait for opportunities; I work towards them. If the world has in general labelled woman somehow as less available or capable than men, we, women, have to use our intrinsic power to shine, in order to get noticed. I very much like this metaphor: a woman should be like solar powered bulb, go get sunshine, store the energy, and glow, no cable or socket is needed. But do not forget to apply some cream for the freckles!
What advice would you give to young women in Macau in terms of their future education, careers and family issues?
In terms of education, I would say, take it as your life priority. Education paves your way to be independent, in all senses. When you are financially independent, it is just a little step towards being emotionally independent. Our society expects women to be dependant on men, but when you become a fully-fledged woman, you gain respect from men and everyone. And never stop studying because knowledge is what makes you an interesting woman.
In terms of career, I would say, do not be afraid of hard work, volunteer to take up challenging tasks, even if you fail. Failure is part of the process. It sounds cliché again, but it is true! I may fail tomorrow, but if I achieve the goal after tomorrow, that satisfaction will stay with me forever, not to mention the experience that will belong to me and only me.
In terms of family, when you have children, take good care of them, because they will be your source of energy in your ups and downs. If they are well, you will be extra-well.
Finally, the most important advice for being a woman: Be beautiful – FROM THE INSIDE OUT. Keeping in good shape and dressing stylishly will give you self-confidence on all fronts. Having a golden heart will remove your fear and defend you from malicious intent.
As you look around the region and the world today, what issues stand out to you as being most significant when it comes to women’s rights and opportunities?
Protection of women from sex crimes. This continues, for decades, to be an issue. The “Me Too” movement is a signal to the world that this needs to be tackled and looked at seriously. Sex crime victims carry the scar throughout their entire lives. The extent of fallout can be beyond imagination. It has a long term impact on the victim´s self esteem, self confidence, trust in others, relationships with men and society in general, etc.. From closer countries such as India, to those further away like the United States, women are still deprived of sufficient protection. It is a matter of education and changing of mind-sets. Law enforcement is a remedial measure, but we need preventive measures. To start with, all schools should include a subject called “Respect for Womens' Bodies” in their curriculum.
Another ongoing issue is the special training of those who handle sex crime proceedings, which require specialized skills and appropriate profiles. This applies to all parties in the process: doctors, psychologists, police officers, judges and even court clerks. It is very often that the victim is made to go through the trauma over and over during the investigation process, or, the victim is, in one way or another, blamed, humiliated, doubted, embarrassed, and pressured. I think it is urgent to raise awareness of this, as part of the due process.
Sadly, not every woman has the courage to overcome the traumas and carry on a normal life. Until those issues are completely solved, we may have lost many victims on their road to survival.