forbidden-love

Forbidden love

by

Carefully crafting his gestures and behaviour in a way that does not imply any hint of his true identity, Hugo, a local gay man in his mid 30s, appears to lead a normal everyday life like everyone else. But behind his pleasant smile, he struggles to live with a secret that he once planned to keep for the rest of his life.   

Five years ago Hugo learned that he was HIV positive.   

The bad news hit him so hard that he collapsed in despair, and he regretted the way he had fooled around after he broke up with his previous boyfriend. That particular traumatic love experience gave him a reason to trust no one. He tried to cry the pain away when nobody was next to him, but he failed. And he didn’t allow himself to turn to anyone for help.   

It took him a long time to forget his once-beloved partner and Hugo convinced himself that he didn’t mind having sex with anyone he encountered, just as long as he was physically attracted to them, lest he get hurt again.  Since that time, he had immersed himself in a pure pursuit of sexual pleasure only.   

Hugo recalls the days when he used to escape to Hong Kong almost every weekend to meet his gay friends to ‘go on the prowl’, but he can’t remember how many people he slept with at that time.    

“We loved to live wildly and hated the idea of using a condom, and I guess that’s how I was infected,” he says.   

A fear of coming out  

Hugo is quite sensitive about how people look at him and is afraid of being thought of as “weird”. He admits that he tries to carry himself in a macho, masculine manner at all times, and he is hung up on “guy things” so that no one could possibly suspect him of being gay. He seldom mentions his love story to anyone nor leaks any details of his sexual orientation.   

So far no one truly knows him and Hugo supposes that nothing about his behaviour is so apparent that anyone might feel confident enough to bring it up.  Nonetheless he knows that some might suspect his sexual orientation. Most of his traits are ‘straight’ but perhaps a few things he does causes people to wonder, especially when rumors spread about what he has been doing on the weekends, and he can’t explain clearly but simply changes the subject of the conversation. 

Hugo can remember his early attraction to boys as early back as when he was still in high school, a time when the Internet had not been popularized as widely as it is today. Therefore, finding love really needed luck. And it was in the school drama club, where he fell for his first boyfriend, Jay.  

“Jay sensed that I was gay at first glance and it was just between us. No one seemed to be aware of the chemistry we had and that we were on the same wavelength. Well, probably, all homosexuals share one thing in common – an accurate but subtle abilty to detect someone on the same side; we call it our  ’Gaydar’,” he says.   

Hugo laments that Macau is still not an easy place for gay or lesbian couples to live, and he is tired of living in a small, close-knit town. Any bad news exposed can soon be disseminated throughout the community, and that concerns him. As far as he has observed, most local gay people prefer to keep as low a profile as they can, and they are afraid of any harmful, unnecessary, yet unknown consequences that might come along if they were to reveal their sexual orientation.  

In his eyes Macau is unbelievably boring and conservative, and most of his friends like to flee the territory when they have holidays.  Hong Kong, Taiwan and Thailand are usually at the top of their lists.   

“Franking speaking, we can’t find any entertainment or facilities specially for the gay community to have fun here, and even if there were places like that here, we would not dare to come out, so you can imagine how difficult it is to find a boyfriend or partner here,” he adds.   

Hugo mostly remains silent in the workplace, especially when his colleagues talk about their life after marriage.   

“When they ask me whether I am in love with a girl, I lie to them, saying that my girlfriend is currently working in Taiwan, and I’m just too busy to visit her.”   

An unhealed wound 

“It is sad to admit that most gay couples in Macau find it hard to maintain a stable and long-lasting relationship, and we don’t see many successful cases in our circle,” Hugo admits.   

Living in a conventional society where heterosexual discourses prevail and define our gender roles, coupled with an unfriendly culture that alienates homosexuals even further, Hugo articulates that it is hard for gay love to sprout under such circumstances.   

The key to maintaining a healthy relationship is not just determination and effort. Couples also need the warm and full support from the ones they respect and care about, like their families and best friends, Hugo explains.    

“But what if those we care about despise us, even turn against us in a hostile manner, just because of the truth that we are gay? How can we have the courage to go on?”   

Hugo craves to live in a place where gay couples are widely accepted and can walk hand in hand along the street and discuss any issues openly, rather than furtively.   

“Things would be much easier and less complicated if we could bring up any problems or disputes that affect gay couples and put them on the table and share them with our parents or close friends. I believe that they could offer some advice to help us make decisions.”    

“All in all, it is essential for any couple to be able to have discussions out in the open,” he adds.   

However things did not turn out the way Hugo wanted them to. Since his parents learnt of his sexual orientation, he’s had several big quarrels, especially with his mother, who still hates to mention any gay topics in their daily conversations, and refuses to accept her son’s sexuality even now. Hugo is a bit more at ease with his father who gradually appears to be more open-minded to the once-taboo subject and is willing to read some positive news and information from Taiwan and Mainland China.   

“So far I have never tried to bring my boyfriend home. Now I am single and if I meet someone in the future, I would consider giving it a try,” he says.   

When Hugo became sick and suffered from the syndrome in the hospital, he encountered Fatima Tse, a senior nurse as well as his counselor, who truly cares and accepts him for who he is, unconditionally. He truly appreciates having someone to open his heart to and to share how he thinks.   

“Fatima always stands by my side and supports me. She insists that gay people are no different from others and all of us have a right to live in our own way as long as we don’t harm others. Her words touch me and I can tell her anything, my life, my dreams and so on. I feel more cheerful than before.”   

But how many parents in Macau can be as open minded as Fatima? When people like Hugo encounter an emotional crisis, who can they turn to for help?   

“If I had known Fatima earlier, my life would have been different …”   

A synonym for unfaithfulness  

As for seeking true love in such a small town, is it just a fantasy? How possible is it for a gay person to find a loving and devoted partner?   

Given that men often have an impulse to take the sexual initiative, Hugo argues that most male homosexuals prefer to indulge themselves just to satisfy their desire for sex, especially when they feel tortured living in an environment unfavourable for developing a stable and long-term relationship.   

“Even if a gay person in Macau encounters someone they have feelings for and those feelings are returned, we daren’t expect it to develop into a deeper love, to a higher and more fruitful outcome. Perhaps that’s why most gay people here are inclined to have one-night stands,” he says.   

Most of his friends prefer to use a term, “open relationship”, to describe having love affairs and sex with multiple partners, rather than “betrayal”, he insists.   

“It is terribly rare or miraculous to find a same-sex marriage or a loyal couple in our Chinese community. Gay men are born to lust after men the way straight men go after women. So what if two men driven by the desire for sex now click with each other? They are more likely to be interested in meeting up with someone to pursue sexual gratification for the time being. When such a mentality prevails within the gay community, how can anyone plan for or even think about a long term relationship?”   

Finding a faithful lover as well as a soul mate one day has been a lifelong mission for Hugo. He always laments over his weaknesses, his fear of being unloved or uncared for. Therefore he often enjoys online chats at night with his gay friends all over the world, which in a way can be considered an effective approach for ridding himself of his loneliness, if only temporarily.   

Growing out of the pain 

In the old days Hugo loved to have unsafe sex as a means to please his partners, and just cared for his momentary happiness. ‘Out of sight out, of mind’ was once his favorite motto, and what consequences might come along didn’t concern him much, but that came at a price. 

Now he has changed his mind and thinks carefully after having been diagnosed with HIV. When he meets someone and can’t resist the temptation, he will take every precaution necessary to protect his partner. However, as far as he has experienced, using a condom is still not an attractive idea in gay circles, and many refuse to use them.  

“If I meet someone I love in the future, I will be bold to speak with him and confess my past. It is uneasy but that is my responsibility. Whether he accepts me or not will be up to him and I will fully respect his choice. His well being will be my top concern,” Hugo insists.   

 

Love under the sun 

“Living under the same sky, shouldn’t we have the liberty to enjoy the same breath of air?” he questions.   

Some states in the US have passed bills allowing same-sex marriages, and the first groups of gay couples to register were mostly those who had already spent at least a decade or two with their partners, and now they are proud to come out.   “After decades of hardships and confrontations, their love survives till today, doesn’t it?”   

Despite still being irritated or hurt by the unpleasant words that sometimes slip out of his mother’s mouth, Hugo is still very grateful to his stubborn, yet truly soft-hearted parents.    

“They often repeatedly stress that they accept me simply due to the fact that I am their only son, and they have no other option, but I still deeply feel their care and love. They buy me some expensive Chinese herbs and medicine to improve my nutrition and strengthen my body and immune system.”   

Whether being gay is a choice or an innate state of being for some, still remains a dispute, however it does not mean moral deterioration, Hugo contends.    

In Macau however, how long will it have to take for Hugo’s dream to come true – just to be able to love out in the open? 

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